Seeing Clearly

Ha!

I'm feeling like pretty tough stuff right now! I decided after a lot of research, trials and errors, that I wanted to try to eat as cleanly as possible. I am addicted to carbs, and for my PCOS, I think it will be good to control not only the carbs, but the chemicals and hormones and such that I put into my body. So, since Monday I have been eating fruits, veggies (except starchy ones like corn and potatoes), good fats, and protein. It has gone surprisingly well! I have gotten a little tired of green beans, but I am down 7.5 pounds over the last two weeks.

Now I am going to add back in complex carbs and try to keep simple carbs and highly processed foods to minimum. I think I am going to feel so good once I don't have all that sugar coursing through my veins. I already feel pretty great! This week was easier than I thought--I was surprised by the fact that by eating proteins and good fats I wasn't hungry, even though I ended up eating way less calories. (One or two days I actually ate half of my WW points!)

I am feeling confident! I have never felt so confident!!!

I feel like I am on the right path health wise, but I also feel like I am on the right track in other areas of my life. I now know that I must go to Belarus. I must do whatever it takes to be together with Alex. As I've been re-reading my journal I remembered all the things I pushed out of my brain (purely self-preservation) about how he made me laugh, smile, and feel like me. 16 years ago I just thought that it wasn't meant to be and that there was nothing I could do. I now know better. I don't know how, when, where, etc., but I know that I have to figure it out somehow.

I've never seen so clearly!

Ha!

Hang in there love! I'll move oceans if I have to!

On the Right Path

So, this is what that feels like...

For a good portion of my life I have felt lost, adrift. I had all these big dreams, but no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't seem to reach them. I reached some smaller dreams, but the ones my should ached for just seemed to elude me.

For example, I've always dreamed of being a writer. That has yet to happen, but to be honest, I haven't given it much effort.

One of the deepest desires of my heart has been to find a great guy, get married and start a family. For years I have agonized about it. I think to myself, ok, so I haven't found someone to date steadily and I can be ok with that, but it hurts terribly that there has not (that I know of) been anyone even interested.

Well, it may turn out that 15 years ago I said goodbye to the love of my life.

When I was a young 17 year old exchange student I was 100 percent certain that I had found my soulmate. A young man who made me laugh, knew how to make me smile, always had kind words for me, and always made me feel like myself. I could feel that there was a deeper bond there, one that transcended mere words, because we always understood each other even when language failed.

When I left that cold January day I honestly never thought I would see him again.

I hoped and dreamt I would, but inside I felt like Anna and the King--two people from very different worlds who can just never be together. (I know...DRAMA QuEeN!) I was thrilled to see him again the next summer in Kiev and we wrote letters back and forth for years. My heart always new that it wanted him, but it just didn't seem likely. He didn't want to come here, I didn't want to stay there. Over the years I even began to doubt tat he ever really cared for me that much.

Then one day, one fateful day I sent a Christmas card, and the next thing you know, it's a year later and we are trying to get him a visa to come here.

I've been reading old journal entries from our time together in Belarus and I had forgotten how much we laughed, how much we walked and talked. Especially now after reading my journal, I feel like my life is really on the right track. I have decided that I simply have to go see him. I have to see him face to face after all these years and then find out if we take a chance.

I just know that this is right. I just feel that I have finally found my way.

This Will Be MY Year!

Thinking about my life and my dreams, and especially about possibly being with my guy again, this song just keeps running through my head.

Yes, this will be MY year!

I'm am so going to own this year!

Another Auld Lang Syne...

Here it is, another year come and gone. Time again for reflection.

I cannot say that I am all that sad to see 2014 go. This has truly been a year for trials. The year started with a new boss and the challenges that new staff, especially new management staff, brings. On top of regular work stress, I switched to a half online/half in class version of the class I've been teaching. Then, the end of March was the whole scary ordeal with my dad and his emergency brain surgery.

This fall semester was murder! I could hardly keep up with all my coursework and was so stressed by the end of the semester I was certain I needed to commit myself. It has taken me a week and a half to get all the weariness and stress out of my system and i have been a little frustrated with myself that I have not been "tough enough" and done more. (Honestly, no one is harder on me than I am.)

But, 2014 has not been all bad.

The end of July I was able to take a class in Edinburgh, Scotland. After my two-week class, mom came over and joined me for a noter week. We stayed at Dalkeith Palace, took a Highland tour, took a train down to London and spent the night, then spent 5 wonderful days in Ireland.

There has also been one other good thing to come out of this year. About this time last year I decided I had to send something to a very special friend in Belarus. (We've been pen pals since I came home from there in 1999, but for several years letters hadn't gotten through.) Honestly, I was head over heels when I was in Belarus, but I was never sure that he felt more than friendship. Well, I sent a Christmas card last year and got quite the response. We have been writing letters back and forth like crazy this year and are trying to find a way to get him here. For the first tim n my life I actually consider myself in a relationship!

So, what have I learned this year?

I've learned that you never know when someone might not be there anymore, and that you should always make sure those you love know it!

I've learned that I need to take care of me. I need to be as forgiving of myself as I am of others. I need to eat healthily and exercise because it will help me.

I've learned that I am super strong, a great leader, and a caring, intelligent person.

And I am learning that it doesn't matter what others think, I am enough, and I am worthwhile.

In the new year I am going to try and take it easier on myself. I'm going to try and find ways of easing the stress. And I'm going to get healthy!!!

Here's looking to a new year, a new beginning. May it hold new adventures, love, joy and rich blessings!

Missing the Hee-lands

I still have to finish blogging about my time in Scotland, but I have been missing it terrible lately. Never has a place gotten so under my skin. So, for a wee bit o' nostalgia--some photos and a song.

And a song...

P.C.O.What?

Wow! The past eighteen months have been a very introspective time for me.

I feel that I am finally figuring out who I am. At some point in the last year I took a personality test which was very enlightening. I have always felt like a fish out of water, felt so different from everyone else and could never really understand myself, but after taking a Meyers-Briggs based test, many things became much clearer and I discovered there was an explanation for things like the fact that I hate calling people. I can call the people closest to me, but I even have a really hard time calling my grandmother.

It also explains why I feel so fragile emotionally, because I feel things so deeply. I have the fairly rare personality type INFP which stands for Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving. (Read more here.) On personalitypage.com it gives an overview of INFPs:

As an INFP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.INFPs, more than other iNtuitive Feeling types, are focused on making the world a better place for people. Their primary goal is to find out their meaning in life. What is their purpose? How can they best serve humanity in their lives? They are idealists and perfectionists, who drive themselves hard in their quest for achieving the goals they have identified for themselves.

It also explains part of the reason I am so hard on myself.

I have to say that I have started to feel a lot better about myself and a lot more comfortable in my own skin. I understand myself better and how my emotions work, and I can see that being so emotional is not bad. It can be hard, but it is not bad.

I am just going into another phase of learning--this time about my physical self. As a teenager I was diagnosed with Poly-Cystic Ovary Syndrome, but at that time there was very little information about it. It was pretty much "you are insulin resistant and your periods are messed up--here is metformin and birth control, good luck." Recently, I started to do some research again on PCOS since I have been wanting to find out ways to help my body work correctly (and to figure out if that is even possible), and there is so much new information I am almost, no I am overwhelmed.

Before, I thought that PCOS was just a few symptoms which affected just a few systems of my body. I am beginning to see differently. I am starting to see that PCOS affects my entire body, and it has made me realize that maybe things are more serious, and challenging, than me just trying to lose some weight. While searching on Pinterest for tips and sources of info I found the below graphic and that is when it really hit home: this is a syndrome, an illness, no different than if I'd been diagnosed with fibromyalgia or cancer.

Graphic borrowed from http://www.pcosgirl.com/pcos-symptoms/

Let's just say that after I say this, shit got real.

I've been under a bit of a cloud recently, and I think this is partly why. I've realized that I HAVE to get healthy, but I'm not sure how to do it. I try and it goes okay for a little while, then I fall down. Now I am realizing that there is more to it. It's like I've been trying to walk into a room but there is an invisible door there which just became visible and I can now see that there is nothing wrong with my effort per se, there are just obstacles in my way with which I don't know how to deal.

A friend and I went to an informational session on weight-loss surgery. I have really mixed feelings about it and am really struggling to figure some things out. Either way, surgery or no, it is going to be a huge commitment and struggle and I have to figure out from where I will get the strength to get through this even without anyone there to cheer me on.

More to come on the surgery debate. In the meantime, homework. :(

I feel fine!

Hi!

Well!  Since coming back from Scotland I have been running to catch up.  I promise to post more on that soon.

I have to say, surprisingly, I have been feeling pretty fantastic lately.  Scotland was a big challenge for me; I knew that it would be.  I kept up with the rest of the group pretty darn well, even though most of the time I was walking twice my normal speed.  I felt really proud of that.  The walking really didn't get to me, other than the stairs the first few days.  I didn't really watch what I was eating there, but I walked it all off.  AND, I wasn't snacking all the time, and didn't want to.

When I came home I had lost five pounds!  Pretty darn good for having eaten ice cream everyday.  No, seriously. Every day.  Several people told me I looked smaller, and indeed I felt smaller.  I that was a pretty spectacular result from three little weeks where I wasn't trying to lose weight.

Since I've been back at work people have been really glad to see me, given me hugs and asked all about my trip, which makes me feel pretty awesome.  People missed me!  They love me!  They really, really love me!

I've noticed in the past couple weeks that when I look in the mirror, not only do I no longer hate myself, but I think "hey, you've really got a nice face."  This is so strange for me!!  I don't know what is happening, but I hope it continues.