Return of the Middlebury Kid!

Wowsa!

It was a long day, but I finally made it back to Middlebury! I left home at 3:30 am and made it here at 6:00 pm. Everything thing went fine until they realized they hadn't fueled our plane correctly in Chicago. (Really?! Who does that?)

I made it to the cafeteria just before dinner ended and saw a whole bunch of familiar faces and it was wonderful! Then we had a fantastic concert sponsored by the Chinese School.

Now, however, it is time for this old girl to hit the sack!

Lots of fun stuff coming up...

Letter To My Body

This has not really been the best week. No matter how I try to avoid it, my life is just full of stress, and I think that bad mojo stars have aligned and that I am having a mid-summer crisis. I did such a good job last week eating almost no carbs, and then the weekend came, bringing with it 4th of July potato salad, and chocolate cake. I had some treats and thought "I've got this, I can pick right back up" but that hasn't quite worked.

Also, lately I've seen a lot of crap out there about body-shaming. No one, NO ONE deserves to have comments made about their appearance which are negative. No one else's appearance is any of your business and if you can't say anything nice, shut the f$$k up!

I am especially sensitive to these kinds of things since I grew up "the fat kid" and was privileged to hear such kind words everyday as "jumbo" and "Titanic" (some of the milder things I heard) and even, at one point, had my own rhyme: Katie K is fat and gay.

It has been a long process to heal from all the unkindness growing up, and I am not asking for sympathy, but in order to help myself, and I hope others, I decided I needed to write a letter to my body.

Here goes...

Dear Body,

We've had a bit of a love/hate relationship over the years. OK, let's be honest. It's really been a hate relationship. At least on my part. I'm sorry for that. I know it's not all your fault. I have hated you for being fat, which I learned to equate with ugly, I have hated you for not working right, and I have hated you for all the things I can't do (and all the things I thought you kept me from having/doing).

Even though you started out at a normal 8 lbs and 3 oz, by the time I was 10 you had ballooned up to the point where I had to wear women's clothing, a size 20. The year I took dance, the costumes didn't come big enough and mom had to make mine bigger. Thank God she knew how to sew! I kept getting bigger, and by the time I was in high school, I was in a size 28 and having a very hard time finding clothes.

By this time it also became apparent that you were not functioning right. My hormones were some sort of crazy--I thought I might be bi-polar. I would go from being crazy happy one minute and the next I would be so depressed that I was thinking about suicide. Starting in seventh grade and lasting into my year of college I really struggled with depression. Finally, around the time I finished high school, I went to a gyno to see what was the problem. You were really messed up!

The doctor gave me my first hint--PCOS. At that time, PCOS was still unfamiliar to a lot of people and there was not a lot of information available. They put me on Metformin to control my blood sugar and told me to lose weight.

I got so tired of people telling to lose weight and no one telling me how I was supposed to do that or offering to help, and it seemed like you were dead set against me. I kept on struggling. Though twice I had some success. When I was in Belarus I lost 60 pounds! When I came home, of course I gained it back. I'd lose a little, gain it all back and more, lose a little, and around and around in the same circle. But I always said to myself "At least you have never hit 400."

Then one day, it happened. I stepped on the scale and you had grown to a disgusting 400 pounds. The depression came back on and off. I would go through periods of determination and hope, and then would fall into the pit of despair. I knew that I was going to be alone forever because you made me ugly. I would look in the mirror with disgust and say "who could love that?"

I spent a year in Moscow and lost 70 pounds. Then I gained it all back. In 2013 I decided I was changing thing for real and between February and October I lost about 60 pounds. That's when my boss left suddenly and I started grad school. I help on for a couple months before the stress got to me. Now I have been gaining and losing the same 25 pounds for a year and a half.

Some days I still hate you.

Even though I know that my worth is not measured by a number on a scale, I still don't like the way you look or the things that I can't do because of you.

But...

I am trying to learn to love you, so here goes: I love you, because, thus far, you have never failed me. You keep going everyday with no major pain, no high blood pressure, no high cholesterol. You can really move it on an elliptical! Damn girl! Besides your A1c being a little high, you are in pretty good shape! Even though you are big (and lumpy) you are pretty well proportioned! There is an hourglass under there somewhere!

You have pretty eyes, nice lips, and your teeth don't look to bad, even if your bottom canines are like fangs and they bite you all the time. Your hair is pretty, and lord knows you have plenty of it. You look good in almost any color and a lot of styles of clothing. You are pretty (even if I tell you that you aren't...don't listen to me...I can be a real bitch.)

We have some things to work on, but overall, you're actually pretty ok. Besides, the bad stuff isn't your fault...it's mostly bad genes.

So, thank you for all that do for me. Thank you that you have never given up on me even if I had been angry at you, hated you, tried to starve you or hurt you. You are always there.

OK, let's work together from now on. I may not like the way you work and that it means I can or can't do certain things, but I need to take care of you. I'll try to treat you better, I promise.

With love,

Katie

                                                                         

Twenty Steps Forward, Fifty Steps Back.

OK, that might be a slight exaggeration, but I kind of feel like that sometimes.

I have really struggled with, well, everything, since coming back from spring break, but especially with my eating. I have really been eating my emotions and have been way out of control. So, I have decided, once again, to pick myself up and start again.

I was on SparkPeople yesterday entering food for today and I searched for zero carb to see what came up. (I am going no carb today and tomorrow. Well barely any carbs.) I came across a post where a gal was asking if low carb is a good way to go for PCOS. One person responded that she was sure it was good for PCOS to go low carb, but she could never do it because she loves sweets too much.

As I read that, I had one of those flashback moments. That was me a couple years ago. Give up carbs????? I can't do that! It's not healthy to eliminate one food group completely!!! I halfheartedly tried South Beach, but didn't make much progress.

Flash forward: I am now much more savvy about the evils of sugar and how crappy I feel when I eat a lot of highly processed, high carb foods. I now have less trouble giving up sugar and find it a smart thing to limit. So, I have come full circle from "I can't" and "I won't" to "I can" and "I want to!" I also looked at Atkins and South Beach and thought, you know, they are not really so far off after all.

So, starting yesterday, I am starting fresh. I have my menu planned out, and though it seems a bit sparse, it is only temporary. Soon I can have my fruit and yogurt again. I am really hoping to make this a lifestyle, so I'm going to have to work at sticking to it, though hopefully it won't seem like work when my blood sugar levels go down and I lose weight.

One day down, and one step closer to the life I want to lead!

Get Low

Ok, so I may have had a little bit of a low point the past week or so. First of all, let me just say that hormones are a bitch. I am certain that they are in a large part responsible for the extremity of my lowness.

There has been a good amount of communication between me and my dude about the whole spring break fiasco. I sent him a four page letter telling him exactly how I felt about everything. Up until that point, it always seemed like he was still blaming me a little. However, I talked to him the day after he got it and his attitude seemed to have changed. Gone were the hints of "you should have stopped me" and he emphatically stated that it was all his fault and that he really screwed up. He admitted that he was "a stupid idiot" to which I agreed. (Read more here and here.)

So, I have been feeling a little better about things, where we are at, where he is at, and that I think he has finally opened his eyes to the mess that he has made, and I felt like there might still be a chance. Then, feeling sad and lonely and missing him like hell, I started to feel like it is just impossible.

Even if we decide that we want the same things, and even if we decide to give it a go, I just don't know how it will ever happen. I think about this type of visa, then another, and another, but there is always a huge obstacle. He has no money, I have very little. There are always so many strings attached to visas. And it is even harder considering where he is coming from.

I am trying to remain hopeful and optimistic but at this moment, I just don't see how there can ever be a happy ending.

That makes me kinda depressed. And then after being depressed for awhile, I get really pissed off. And it's probably very stupid, but it's probably the biggest thing that makes me really mad at God. It's like, what? I don't deserve someone to love? You can do all these miraculous things, but you don't feel like bothering with me? My whole life has been running around a track constantly jumping hurdles. Don't get me wrong--my life is pretty good overall and it could be so much worse. I just constantly have a lot on my plate. I feel like all I do is survive.

So, my challenge is, and always has been, to figure out a way to live my life and be content even if I never get the deepest desires of my heart.

Sometimes I wonder if I am just not one of those tragic souls who struggles through life, never really finding what it is they are longing for, but lifting others up and making others better as I go. Part of me is ok with that--kind of a romantic martyrdom--the rest of me is very not ok with that.

One thing I know for certain is that I keep learning about myself and discovering strengths I never knew I had (not that I ever wanted them), and have learned that I am ok. Being an INFP (if you have never taken the Meyers Briggs personality test you should really try it out! here is a free version), I tend to romanticize and idealize love and relationships, have really high, probably unattainable standards, and this doesn't help when you're lonely, but I am learning to be ok with who I am and being on my own. It may not be what I really want, but what I really want is a Jane Austen novel, soooo, yeah...

I really think too much. Maybe I need to spend a little less time inside my head, and a little more time in the world.

Or not.

I've also been struggling with eating and exercising :( which makes me feel even worse.

Thankfully, I have some fantastic friends who are totes amazeballs! Lins is my sounding board and voice of calm wisdom and reassurance (and she has graciously provided me with the most adorable "niece" who I can play with and spoil). Jazz keeps me in line at work and lets me be my extremely weird self without running away (she only runs away with me!). Marie is another calming influence who also lets me be my weird self and runs away with me occasionally either to lunch or to paint pottery. Sharon may be quite a bit older than me, but she is a great person to have a wine and bitch session with, and also provides me with an experienced ear. Jackie is a long way away, but so much fun and her bubbly personality always cheers me up! I can tell her absolutely anything without her even batting an eye. And Kristin is always ready to get into trouble with me!

I love each of these ladies and cherish the diverse backgrounds and experiences they have had. Without them, my life would be very sad! (And I would be a lot more confused and less mentally stable.) I am also very thankful for my supportive family members.

So, I will endeavor to quit being sad about what I don't have, to keep the faith that things will work out somehow, and to live my life.

Turning A New Leaf, Again...

Well, I didn't just fall off the bandwagon, I fell off, tumbled in the most ungraceful way possible, and landed in the mud.

Ever since coming back from overseas, I have been trying to get back on, but I was just struggling so much. Previously, I decided to do it and I did it, but this time I just couldn't follow through. I was thinking about it the other day and trying to figure out why I was struggling so much to get back in control.

It occurred to me, that even though I tried very hard to not have any expectations when I went overseas, that was a great motivator. Maybe the let down from feeling rejected didn't help.  So, I decided that I need to make a list of reasons I need to be healthy, that do not involve other people.

Yesterday, in the spirit of determination to lose the weigh I have gained back since coming home, I prepared a bunch of fresh fruit to bring to work so that when I need to munch, I can do it without guilt. And this morning, I was really on the ball and got to work early to walk the track! (Actually, I woke up at 4:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. And also, the track was locked, so I walked outside.)

So, now, reasons I need to, I want to, be healthy:

1. I want to feel good. I feel like crap when I eat like crap.
2. I want to be able to move freely and not get so tired out. I mean, let's face it, getting off the couch should not be that hard.
3. I want to be able to walk in a store and find clothes that fit. Especially bras... (And why is it so hard to make fat people clothing cute and stylish?!?!?!?!?!?!? I don't have to look like an old lady, for crying out loud!)
4. I don't want to have to worry if I will fit. Will I fit on the airplane? Will I fit in the booth at the restaurant? Will the seat belt fit around me?
5. I want to have a family, and I want to be around for that family.
6. I don't have any major health issues right now, but I will in the not so distant future...
7. I am worth taking care of!

I can do it. I know I can. I have done it, and I can do it again. I just need to focus on what is important, and remember who I am doing this for: me. No one else, just for me.

And now, to leave you with some humor. (If I don't laugh, I would cry.)

mytrainerchris.wordpress.com

www.pinterest.com

www.examtime.com

So Close...

OMG!

This semester is almost over! It's so close I can almost taste it!

My semester at work ended last Friday, so that is one thing off my plate. Two of my classes for this semester are over (I have to finish a few projects for one, but have extra time this summer) and I only have two final projects left for the other class.

I am feeling the weight lift off of my shoulders!

Previously, I have given myself the summer off to recoup, but this summer I will be working on my capstone project for my MLIS. I decided it was better to work on that during th summer when I don't have regular coursework. That, presuming I pass everything this semester, will be my last requirement for my MLIS!!! Woot! Then I just have three required classes left for my MA in Russian Translation.

It still seems very far away, but there is an end in sight!

Thank. God.

This weekend I am going up to stay with my aunt and uncle in Wisconsin for a much needed mini vacay. I already feel much less stressed, so hopefully getting out of town for a few days will really revive me.

Deep breathing. Almost done.

Down The Rabbit Hole

Well.

I thought the semester I started grad school was the worst semester of my life. I was wrong. As I am trying to finish this semester, I have been really worried about one class. I just don't know what the instructor wants, and I haven't done very well. Yesterday my discussion grade was posted and I got 50%. I didn't expect an A, but the comment was made that I didn't participate at all several weeks. This is true, but it was when I was out of the country and sick right after. Both times I was in contact with the instructor and thought it was fine.

So, last night when I saw the grade, I was there standing on the edge, ready to just snap.

I get it. Life is not a bed of roses, but someday things have to get better!

I feel as though my life is spiraling out of control, and I am trying really hard to let things not bother me, to just to the best I can.

Le sigh.

Well, here at work it is finals week. Hallelujah! After next Friday things will get a whole lot quieter. I'm really hoping that I will be able to relax and do some things just for me this summer, starting off with a girl trip to Vegas! Woot Woot! My work bff just turned 21 and I feel that it is my duty to initiate her into adulthood. Amiright?

I'm trying to remain positive (all the way down the rabbit hole) and when I am done with this stupid degree, I'm gonna feel so victorious!

Either that or just exhausted...

Either way it will be over.

:-P