What Is Depression?

Sometimes I see posts or talk to people about depression and suicide. This happens to be a very personal topic to me. I have many family members who have struggled with depression, and several who chose to commit suicide. I know a lot of people mean well, but if you don't understand depression, you will never understand suicide.

One day when I was at work, an officer talked to me about a guy that had recently committed suicide and how it was so cowardly. It was all I could do to contain my anger. This man obviously had no concept of what depression is like and what a person actually goes through before committing suicide.

We all have times in our lives when things are bad, but for some people, it doesn't go away. Sometimes people get so sad and hopeless that they just want to make it stop hurting. A lot of people throw around the word depressed, but so many do not understand that they are actually just grieving or sad.

There is a difference.

The American Psychiatric Association shares the following on their website www.psychiatry.org:

But being sad is not the same as having depression. The grieving process is natural and unique to each individual and shares some of the same features of depression. Both grief and depression may involve intense sadness and withdrawal from usual activities. They are also different in important ways:

• In grief, painful feelings come in waves, often intermixed with positive memories of the deceased. In major depression, mood and/or interest (pleasure) are decreased for most of two weeks.
• In grief, self-esteem is usually maintained. In major depression, feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing are common.
• For some people, the death of a loved one can bring on major depression. Losing a job or being a victim of a physical assault or a major disaster can lead to depression for some people. When grief and depression co-exist, the grief is more severe and lasts longer than grief without depression. Despite some overlap between grief and depression, they are different. Distinguishing between them can help people get the help, support or treatment they need.

What does this mean in less clinical terms? Let me try to illustrate.

A child grows up being made fun of because in some way, they are different. This child is constantly made to feel that they are not good enough, maybe that they are a disappointment at home. Things never go well for them in some way at school, at work, or in some other part of their life. They begin to no longer get enjoyment from things that they once did. They feel like they are worthless, maybe that they are a burden to all those that they love. Sometimes, they even begin to loathe or hate themselves for the pain that they must be causing those around them.

Okay, you say, but that is still no reason to commit suicide.

Well, imagine that your brain actually believed that you were causing harm to people that you loved. Imagine that life hurt so bad that you were physically ill in some way. Imagine feeling like a ship that was sinking and that was going to take down all the people whom you love if you didn't do something to stop it.

It is really hard to imagine if you have never felt it. Sometimes, you know what caused it. Sometimes, you have no idea why you feel this way. For some people, there is a biochemical issue in the brain and it just doesn't function normally. Part of it may come down to genetics, personality, or environmental factors. The point is, it is not something you can just stop doing, or switch off.

Believe me--people with depression would if they could.

Think, for just a moment, to yourself about what it would take for you to no longer want to live. A lot, right? So, before you call someone who committed or tried to commit suicide a coward, think about that.

And for those dealing with the loss of someone, asking yourself why they didn't come to you for help--they couldn't. Most likely, they didn't want to be a burden to you--it's already enough that they are hurting.

What can we take from this? First of all, be kind to everyone because you never know when one mean word, even if it's not directed at them, per se, could tip someone over the edge. Second of all, don't underestimate the terrible shit that someone is going though just because you see no physical symptoms.

In short--be kind to your fellow humans!!!

Also, if you are reading this and you are depressed--there are people who care! Here are resources for you:

National Suicide Hotline: call 1-800-273-8255
Online Chat: http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
Crisis Textline: https://www.crisistextline.org text 741741 from anywhere in the US

Too Much Thinking

As often, no always, happens when I am stressed out and down about things, I start to philosophize. I start thinking about all the things I've done wrong, why my life is the way it is, and why I am the way I am. I've been so frustrated lately. Things at work have been crazy and I've been almost constantly working with very little down time.  I've been feeling very undervalued and under-appreciated at work, and to be honest, still have some hard feelings about past mistreatment by employers. There is an award lunch coming up and it started me down a strange road.

Honestly, I find myself a real conundrum.

I don't know how anyone else could understand me, cuz I sure as hell don't understand myself. I find it odd that on the one hand I hate the spotlight and try desperately to stay in the background. Maybe that comes from years of trying to hide in plain sight so as to avoid as much bullying as possible; said bullying probably why my personal mission in life is to do for others and to make their lives better. But on the other hand, I wish someone cared about me enough to, in the words of Jane Austen, "winkle" things out of me.

So, to review: I don't want any attention or to share anything, but I want people to dig and find it out anyway.

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And, as much as I hate recognition or spotlight, I kind of secretly long for it.

I think that I just long for someone to think enough of me, or to be doing something that really matters in the world, that would be worthy of notice, and I don't want the actual spotlight. I just want to matter.

See what I mean? Huge conundrum...

I struggle a lot with relationships, because when you are a friend or someone special to me, I give you 100%. But that's not how most people are. I get that. It's my personality type, and it's a rare one. But I tend to feel unimportant to others, because they don't have the same (way, incredibly too high) standards that I do. I find myself longing for one person to fight for me as hard as I fight for others. But, I have to just keep reminding myself that I don't mean less to people just because they show friendship and love in different ways.

Oi vei.

I really need to quit this deep thinking shit.

So, I finally have some time off coming up...I think it's time to try and center myself, or something like that. Maybe I need to try some meditation. I dunno. But I definitely need to chill the f@$k out.

If this post accomplished nothing else, maybe you at least feel better about yourself now. :)

One Hundred!

One year ago today I was a mess. I was struggling with my health, I was dealing with having been laid off and moving across the country, and my weight just kept climbing and climbing. November 5th 2016, I hit the highest weight ever. I knew that I had to do something, and I had been successful previously on low carb diets.

I started researching diets that might be good for PCOS and thyroid, and I came across keto. So, January 1, 2017 I started my keto journey.

It probably took about two months before I really found my groove, but once I did, the weight just seemed to melt off. I've struggled a bit lately. I've caught myself emotional eating a little and had gone back and forth with the same 5 pounds for about a month, but I'm just pretty happy to let my body do its thing, as long as I keep going in the right direction.

I am very happy to say that since I started this journey in January, I am down 93 pounds, and 100 pounds from one year ago.

Feels pretty damn good!

Enough

It seems to me that everyone has a theme in their life. For me, the word enough is it.

People often ask me about my tattoo that says enough. Why enough? Have you had enough?  No, I got this tattoo to remind me that I am enough.

My whole life I have felt that I was not enough. I was not smart enough, not thin enough, not pretty enough, couldn't sing well enough, I was a good friend, but not good enough for anyone to make much of an effort for... And later in life, as an employee, I always gave my all, worked super hard, provided superior customer service, and my employer always loved me and the job I did--I was good, but not good enough for them to help me out, or to fight for me.

I had gotten to a really good place, but this last year and a half have been so hard that I have started feeling all these overwhelming feelings again of not being enough.

I've been rather depressed recently, and I found myself returning to old habits. I wasn't necessarily eating things I shouldn't be, but I was mindlessly, emotionally eating. Then I did eat stuff I shouldn't have and felt like absolute shit.  But, yesterday and today I fasted, only drinking some homemade beef broth and I am feeling much better.

So, hopefully, I have the eating back under control, now I just need to figure out the emotional stuff. I have to keep telling myself that  I am enough, that things are just tough out there, and that eventually (God only knows when...), things will work out.

I hope.

What is My Problem?

I don't know what the fuck is up with me today.

Things started out okay, I was a little tired, but I pretty much always am. I got hired at a halloween store, which is a part time, very temporary job, but hey, it's extra money, and then met a friend for coffee.

We are both struggling with some stuff, mostly job-wise, and get together to talk things over and lend one another support. Then I got home and I'm just a morose lump of blubbering-ness.

I am so tired. Not the I haven't gotten enough sleep tired, but the deep in my soul kind of tired. As hard as I try, I just can't keep from ticking off all the can'ts in my life right now. Can't find a job. Can't be with the man I love. Can't go see the man I love. May never have a family. May never have a job I love (that I can live on). Will probably never make an impact on the world.

I just feel like I can't do anything right, right now.

I know that I am far from the only one struggling out there right now, but damnit! Couldn't just one part of my life go well?

It's a good thing that I have today off, cuz with the news of the shooting in Vegas, some disconcerting emails, etc., I am an emotional mess, really jumpy (which is totally unusual), and plainly unfit to be a part of society today.

Maybe I will just go curl up in bed on this cold, dark, rainy day.

When Life Falls Apart

August.

What a month.

August is kind of a big month for me anyways (August 17 I left home for the biggest adventure of my life--being an exchange student in Belarus; August 26 1998 I met my soul mate; August 15 2015 my soulmate proposed; August 2008 graduated with first MA degree, and so on... you get the picture) but then this August, things got a little crazy.

August 2016 we made the move from Iowa to Colorado, and then we found ourselves moving again this August, but thankfully only about 4 miles away. While being less traumatic than the last move, this one was still hard. Even though I know we have so much less stuff now, we still have too much.

So, we found the new place the end of July. We would get the keys on August 16, but we were leaving to go back to Iowa for my grandfather's 90th birthday on the 18th. The cost to fly back and rent a car was too much, so we drove.

I. Hate. That. Drive.

But, we made it back to Iowa, had a busy weekend with friends and family, and then came the long drive home... through all the traffic from all the stupid people trying to view the damn eclipse!  (Our 11 hour drive took 14...)

Then, when we got back, my dad was here visiting, so we didn't really get to start moving until the 23rd. We did hire movers who did most of the moving, but there was a surprising amount of shit that was not boxed and therefore not ready to move.

It was down to the last minute, but we got everything out and then waited for the walk-through with our landlords. We waited for an hour the first time before contacting them and having them say sorry, something came up. The next day we met successfully and handed over the keys.

I've been working hard to establish some order in my room and I am bound and determined to get rid of shit!!! I had already donated one bad of clothes and we had donated a couple boxes of books, etc., but yesterday I got rid of another bad of clothes.

I am just so tired of shit everywhere!

I've recently been reading a lot of nonfiction, which is kind of unusual for me. I read Pema Chodron's book When Things Fall Apart on the advice of my best friend, and I appreciated the wisdom that I found there. Just a few days ago I finished reading Daphne Kingma's book The Ten Things To Do When Your Life Falls Apart and I got a lot out of it. It helped reinforce that we are all struggling at some point, and that there are things I can do to relieve some of the pressure.  One of those things is simplifying my life.

This is not a new concept to me. I started trying to do this a couple years ago and I have made progress, but not enough. In Kingma's book there was a chapter on living simply and one of the things she suggested is setting a goal, such as getting rid of 10 things every week. That's perfect! That is my new goal. I will get rid of 1o things a week until I feel like things are under control. Then, I can reevaluate.

Another chapter was about letting go, and as I am still searching full force for a full time job, I realized how much anger I have from the past. Yes, I was screwed over pretty badly, but what is being mad about it now gonna get me. Yes, it has made things difficult for me for several years, but I can't change it, I can only move forward.

Some other lessons from Kingma are that crying is healing, to get different results you can't do what you've always done, remember who you are, you have to be persistent (something that I'm gettin' really tired of), you need to integrate things that have happened and accept them in order to move on an make things better, we all have a signature strength--go back to it and use it as inspiration, and also if you don't have love in your life...find it.

I was encouraged anew to pursue my writing because Kingma said that most people end up doing, or their dream job is, something that they wanted to do when they were 6 or 7. What did I want to be? A writer.

Something to think about.

And so my fellow sufferers leave you with a quot from the end of Kingma's book:

May the depth of your crisis remind you of who you really are. May your pain bring you into the light of awareness. May your journey through it give you hope. And when you have made it through the storm, may you feel great peace and joy.

YASSS!

WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!

I finally have great news.

We have become increasingly unhappy in our current rental, but I was concerned about finding a new place because, well, we are both working part time. And, if I'm being honest, things have been shit for so long that I didn't figure anything good would happen. BUT! the stars must have aligned on Monday.

First of all, I finally got my license plate switched over and am now officially Coloradan! Then we ran a few more errands, looked at an apartment that was decent, and went to lunch.

At lunch, we decided to go look at these apartments that are about a block from where mom is currently working. I was a little hesitant, but we went anyway. We looked at two of the two bedroom apartments, and fell in love.

There is a dual master layout, both with connected bathrooms, completely redone, brand new carpet, paint and appliances, more square footage, 16 ft vaulted ceilings, and just pure AwEsOmEnEsS! So we decided to go for it!

It ended up cheaper than what we have now for MORE space and brand new stuff!

So, as we are get ready to apply, she tells us that right now the application fee, administrative fee and hold fee (would have been $480) were waived and we would only pay $99!

She processed our application and about 30 minutes later we got a yes!

So in about half a month we get to move into our new place and we are soooooo excited!

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