It's Been A Long Time Baby

I realized earlier today, well yesterday now, that the last time I saw Alex was one year ago today. Er, yesterday. Seriously, who wants to send me on a little vacay?

What an awful day it was coming home. I almost missed a couple flights, my plantar fasciitis was so bad I could hardly walk, and mom almost missed her flight coming home from Denver. All that on top of my heart being ripped out having to leave the love of my life.

You may have noticed that I've been a bit nostalgic as of late. The beginning of the year has proven to be challenging. Christmas and New Years both make me a bit sad, then January 7 is the anniversary of my leaving Belarus the first time, and January 8 marked the last time I saw Alex.

More than that though, I been thinking about where I was a year ago. A year ago I had no clue what 2016 would hold. I was certain that I would get Alex here, I was going to finish my degree and find my dream job. Instead, I got laid off and as a result I couldn't start the visa application for Alex because how can you prove you can support another person when you are on unemployment?

Well, 2016 was one of the hardest, crappiest years of my life, but I find myself in a much better place now. I'm in a city I love, I'm in a job I love, and am hopefully in a position to start the visa process.

I wouldn't want to relive 2016, but you know how it is--gold is refined only by fire and diamonds are only formed by tremendous pressure. It's the bad stuff that shapes us, and right now, I feel really good about where I am. (Except that I wish Alex was here.)

I wonder where 2017 will take me?

Are You Sure There Isn't A Full Moon?

Things have been a little weird so far this year. Yesterday was just weird. I was called in to work  and from the moment I got there, weird things were happening. Then it got really quiet. Like eerily quiet. Work was busy this morning, with bouts of crazy, and since I worked last night for someone, I'm wiped! The morning did go quickly though.

I'm on day three of my new lifestyle. Day one my goal was to track everything I ate. I did that, though I was fairly high on the carbs. Day two, I lowered my carbs and somehow ended up way below calories and eating a big snack when I got home. I lowered my carbs but was still fairly high for where I want to be. Today I have been doing well, though my tummy has been grumbling today as I have finally managed significantly cut my carbs, though I still need to get a little lower.

Alex and I have been talking a lot lately, but it's a little rough. We are both really down right now because it is so hard to be so far apart. Of course, throwing in the holidays just adds to the sadness. I keep remembering that a year ago I was with him. A year ago today we spent the most wonderful afternoon snuggled together on the couch watching movies. It was the first time we were really a couple, doing couply things.

He was unwell for a few days and now his sleep schedule is off. He sleeps all day and then wants to talk when it's time for me to go to sleep. One day we talked until late and then I said I have to sleep. He texted me through the night and then at 7:30 in the morning decided that he couldn't wait any longer and called to wake me up.

It's not that I'm not glad to talk to him, but I may not hear from him for a day, and then if I don't respond he starts calling me. It's gotten a little annoying because I have to work and I have to sleep regularly.

Weird.

I hope the weirdness that comes with the holidays will wear off soon.

We'll see.

Goodbye Twenty Shit-steen

Yeah, there are a lot of negative 2016 posts going around right now, but honestly, for some of us 2016 was pretty shitastic. I, for one, am entirely ready to wish a (not so) fond farewell to 2016.

This year was a roller coaster for sure! I started out the year overseas, thinking I was going to get married, but instead I found myself once more with a totally drunk person. To be fair, he did get himself undrunk and we have a fantastic last 5 days together. When I came back, I had no boss for the third time in 4 years, then my co-worker and bff found another job. In the spring I was just about done with school, and finally had paperwork to start Alex's visa process, and that's when I was told my job was being eliminated. Graduated in May--well I walked at commencement--but because of a few snafus, I didn't technically graduate until August. Thought I had a job nailed down only to wait a month to find out they chose someone else. Decided to move to Colorado, took us a month and four trips back and forth to move, partly because of hitting a deer in mom's car. Got to Colorado and had a really hard time dealing with being unemployed, having lots of feelings of anger and resentment.

But, finally in November I got a job which I absolutely love!!!!

So, I guess you could say that the year is ending on a positive note with the job and all, however, the last two months have been so hard, being so far away from Alex. January 8, 2016 was the last time I saw him. It's really taking a toll on both of us. Thankfully we've been able to talk and text quite a bit, but it's still really hard.

The one thing that brings me down more than anything this year is my health. In February or March we learned that I have hypothyroidism (under active thyroid) and I had to start taking medicine for that. However, a hug side effect from my thyroid not working is that it has become nearly impossible for me to lose weight. And since I lost my insurance in June, I can't afford to take some of my medication. Also, with moving, I don't have a doctor, so it's hard to take my medicine consistently. As a result, I am now the heaviest I have ever been, my blood sugar is completely out of whack, and I generally feel terrible.

However! I believe I may have found a diet (read that lifestyle) that will get me sorted out, so starting January 1 I am going to try the Keto diet. I know, everyone can find something bad about every diet, but this is what I believe will be best for my body right now. I am insulin resistant which means that my body doesn't know what to do with the insulin it makes so it just makes more and more. I have PCOS which just screws a bunch of things up. I am seriously overweight which doesn't help anything. I have psoriasis. I have sleep apnea.

All of those things can be helped by eating a low carb diet. (Relax, I have done my research.) A ketogenic diet will increase insulin sensitivity, will jump start weight loss which will then help normalize my hormone levels. Losing weight will eventually mean that I won't need the CPAP anymore,  and since it is an anti-inflammatory diet, it may even help the psoriasis.

Yes, it's going to be hard, but I think I have finally found what my body needs.

So, farewell to all the yuck of 2016, and welcome to all the new adventures of 2017.

Here's hoping for:

• Getting my body under control
• Getting my fiancé here
• Starting a family
• Many new adventures

In closing, a tribute to George Michael, whom we lost just a few days ago

and another end of the year fave

May 2017 hold many blessings and much joy for you!

Happy Christmakwanzakkuh

I've been talking a lot with Alex lately and we've been talking a lot about the past and the future. It has made me a bit nostalgic, on top of my normal bit of sadness at Christmas. This holiday season is particularly hard, because one year ago right now I was over there with him. If things had gone the way we planned we'd be celebrating our first anniversary now.

It's been tough being apart for the last year, but these past two or three months have been hell. I miss him so much that I feel I might explode. On top of missing Alex, this is our first Christmas in Colorado and I haven't seen most of my family for months, and have no idea when I will see them.

Christmas is on a Sunday this year. That used to be my absolute favorite day for Christmas. I didn't think there was anything better than going to Church on Christmas day. Obviously, things have changed and I no longer go to church, and there is still a lot of hurt there because of the circumstances that led to me leaving the church.

Even though I have a lot of hurt and sadness connected with Christmas, I still love Christmas and have a lot of hope for the future, that it will become magical again for me.

So, my heartfelt wishes for you for a blessed and joyful holiday and many blessings in the new year.

Merry Christmas!

Happy Kwanzaa!

Happy Hanukkah!

I Feel Pretty!

So, this morning I had an unexpected four hour phone call with my honey pie. I woke him up when I called, and honestly I did not expect that we would talk for that long, but once we got started, we just couldn't stop.

At first, we just talked about random things. Then we started talking about past relationships. He told me that he had run into a couple of his friends not long ago, and that they said they had heard he supposedly had a girl in America and they wanted to see a picture. So, he pulled out his phone and showed them a picture and, apparently, they were impressed. It made me feel good that they thought I was attractive, but it made me feel even better when he told me how proud it made him.

Later he asked me how many boyfriends I had had and I answered none. He asked why and I said no one had ever been interested, and probably partly because when I was younger I was convinced that I was disgusting. He almost got mad. He said that he didn't understand how no one noticed such a good, caring, beautiful person.

Let me just say this is where I melted. Into a pile of mush.

Yeah, we have issues, but it's clear that he really loves me. And he says the sweetest things, not even trying to.

I felt pretty good when I went to work today.

Kinda gooey on the inside. :)

Craptinuous!

The crap continued.

Wow! It's been awhile. . .

I wrote in a previous post that I hadn't heard from my fiancé for two days. I finally got ahold of him. We talked briefly, then a day later he called me. We had a nice chat as he was going somewhere and I felt relieved.

And then, I didn't hear from him for another four days. I didn't know what to think. I texted everyday. I called everyday. And finally one day he answered, but he had just laid down and fallen asleep. I agreed to call back the next day. I think it was actually two days before I then got a hold of him again. I found out that he had been very ill.

Communication has really been non-exsistent since then.

My dad came out to visit on Thanksgiving and I was really glad to see him, but unfortunately I got a little overwhelmed between communication issues with my honey bunches, getting dad back and forth between our place and my brother's, and the stress of starting a new job. I got a little crabby, and at one point, just had to break down and let it all out.

Then I felt better.

I spent four hours on the phone with my guy today, and it was good. It wasn't great--he was kind of nostalgic and sad--but I was glad to finally get to talk to him.

On the bright side, I am in my third week at my new job and I love it! Love.it.

So, I think things are starting to work themselves out, there were just some pretty big bumps along the way.

I Got A Job!

I got a job! I got a job! Take a good look at me cuz I got a flippin' job!

OK, so it's quite the equivalent to "I'm On a Boat" but ya know.

So yeah, I got a job offer today. I feel really good about the place. It's part-time, but I just felt so good about the people and the place. Thy are excited to have me and I am excited to work with them.

Woot!

So, I've been dancing around the apartment today singing and feeling pretty pleased with myself!

*Don't listen if you are offended by naughty words.

Damn it feels good!

via GIPHY